Friday, March 04, 2005

when was that now?

More on Ali Smith's Hotel World since I just finished it: I especially got caught up in the heart-rending stream-of-consciousness chapter second from the end where a dead girl's sister stays up til the break of morning obsessively remembering the sister and it reminds me of how I was right after my dad died and depresses me to think how little I think about my dad and how I have to think for a while to remember how long ago it was when he had a heart attack um it was when I was a junior in college it was in February I think see I've even forgotten the day I know it was right after his birthday and I felt badly and also good that I hadn't gotten him anything for his birthday what did he really need anyway not anything I could have given him I don't think I mean anything I hadn't already given him even though the last time I talked to him it was about my car battery and how to fix it even though that was our last conversation I still knew I still know that he loved me and he knew I loved him and now I can count yes it's been eight years and now my sister is going to have a baby it's official she started telling people Thursday and why couldn't he have been here for that but of course there's no why there's only where where is he now? But even the girl in the story when she's remembering her sister she still can laugh and I think if my dad had a ghost would he want to see me crying or laughing? even if it means he's kind of forgotten?


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